Do You Have A Child That Seems To Have No Self-Preservation?

*Do you have a child that seems to have no self-preservation? That may be because they have learned that potentially dangerous activities, like jumping off of the top of a play set, is safe because you intervene by catching them or putting them up high in the first place. 

* I’m not advocating letting your child become seriously injured- intervene if you need to. I’m suggesting letting them climb to a point they can reach by themselves and letting them get down on their own (spotting them if necessary). 

*We have a funny dichotomy of helping children into situations they could not get to alone, and then freaking out about minor scraps and bruises if they accidentally get hurt. Those scraps and bruises are communication about how their bodies interact with the world and what their limits are. Minors injuries can therefore be beneficial to their overall health and safety.

How to Stop Children from Asking the Repetitive "WHY"?

Child: Why are you cleaning the table?

Me: Because it has food on it.

Child: Why?

Me: Because you just ate lunch. 

Child: Why?

Me: Because you were hungry.

Child: Why?

Me: Because your body was telling you it wanted food.

Child: Why?

Me: Because it’s been awhile since snack time.

Child: Why?

OH MY GOD!!!! It will never end unless you understand what is going with that sweet little person.

The endless whys have happened to me more times than I can recall, but the light bulb went on one day when a little boy in my class started asking me an endless series of questions. I adore this little boy, but turned around in exasperation and gave him a look with my eyebrows up and my hands out. In return, he shrugged his shoulders to his ears and gave me a bashful smile.

The simplicity of that moment blew me away. All he wanted was to talk to me but didn’t know how. Asking questions kept the conversation going.

Once I had this hunch of what was happening in these circumstances it occurred to me that toddlers and young preschoolers do not always have sophisticated conversation skills, but conversation is a fundamental NEED that these children have during this developmental stage. So whenever one of the kids started repeating themselves excessively I would jump in with narration or would start a conversation that I knew they could participate in. For example, I would start talking about their favorite book or movie, their brother or sister, their pet at home, what they ate for breakfast, etc. This stopped the questioning every single time.

It is also important to remember that children are also asking for attention when they are repetitively asking questions. As exhausting as it can be they NEED it. And it is less exhausting to talk to them than it is to get mad at them because they are annoying you. I also think that when you realize that they just want a conversation it can bring you into the moment with them. It’s a good possibility that you were busy and they did not feel acknowledged. There is nothing wrong with you for being busy or needing to get many things done it’s just the nature of children to need everything all the time. Understanding these little things helps to make them more manageable.

It's Normal For Your Kids to Strike Out...

It’s Normal For Your Kids To Strike Out……

Have you ever watched someone who is learning to hit a baseball? They strike out more times than they hit the ball, and in the beginning, if they hit the ball it is usually luck more than skill. Rarely would anyone see a beginner in a lucky moment and think that they know how to hit a ball perfectly every time from that point on, but we use this illogical thought process with children. I’ve heard many times teachers and parents say emphatically “But I saw them do it!” referring to following a rule or an independence skill. We can get so focused on wanting children to ‘behave’ and perform that we get militant in our expectations and lose perspective on their learning process.

To continue the baseball analogy, as someone practices they will hit the ball more and more, still striking out in-between, and eventually they will hit the ball most of the time, but even professions strike out every once in awhile. So it is important not to expect perfection when we are starting to see progress. This is important to remember from toilet learning, to reading, to learning to follow directions, to speaking instead of hitting, and so on. Some days, kids will be on and some days they will be off. It is important for us to stay steady and emotionally balanced when we see children’s abilities fluctuating from day to day. Fluctuation is normal. During the off days we need to be the bridge between the child and the skill that they are working on.

Many things can cause us (all of us!) to have off days. If we are tired, hungry, attention hungry, have a cold, are out of routine, missing someone, all of these things can cause us to have bad days. There really is endless opportunities! So for children they may need gentle and firm reinforcement of boundaries, encouragement, and verbal understanding. Verbal understanding may sound something like:

“Some days it’s harder for us to do well. That happens to everybody. I will make sure to help you today. I know you’ll have better days”.

That is understanding, encouragement, and boundaries in one sentence! It is almost magical to see a child respond with acknowledgement and relief. To be clear, you are not letting them off the hook or condoning bad behavior when you say something like this. You are showing your understanding. If you need to you can also add “but I won’t let you…..” to make sure your expectations of their behavior are known. This is much more effective than yelling and is an example of how to gracefully address wrongdoing.

We all need understanding and grace. If we can give it to our children, they will learn to give it to others. Nobody is on their “A” game everyday.

The Importance of a Response Framework....

The Importance of a Response Framework...

Noah came running over to me crying. I immediately felt annoyed by his crying and demanding body language, and wanted to ignore him. But instead I somewhat dryly started to using empathetic phrases and observation statements. I continued to stayed empathically withdrawn but was able to help him calm down and work through his emotions. This repeated for about twenty minutes until he felt some resolution. The problem was he wanted a toy someone else had.

There are some days (and weeks) when I am not on my “A” game. Life is hard and I am emotionally drained. It is during those times I need to fall back on my practiced empathy. You might think that is not really empathy. It’s not. It is not emotionally connected with warmth, or love, or true understanding, but it is responding to other’s emotions and problems with kindness. That kindness needs practice to become our default setting when we are not feeling truly empathic. That means we will need to acknowledge our feelings, and mentally prepare phrases and actions for those moments with our children when we are not emotionally available to them.  Without this framework raw emotion is more likely to come through: our bitterness, tiredness, anger, disappointment, and so much more. If we, as adults, are struggling with these emotions there is no way a child is going to be able to handle them, especially if it is directed at them.

So my point is practice your empathic responses. Have them ready to be used when you are drained and in a rotten mood. Not only will it help your child but it will help you from feeling worse.

Common Conflicts Between Preschool Parents & Teachers: And How to Avoid Them

One of the best ways you can ensure your child’s success in preschool is to make sure that you and their teacher are on the same page. Therefore, check with your child’s teacher in the following areas.       

-How to handle the transitions of starting and ending the day.

        How you drop off and pick up your child can shape the tone of your day, as well as theirs, and the teachers. A drawn out goodbye with a long routine can put the teacher on standby waiting for you to leave. This can prohibit the teacher from attending to the other children and starting the day. Most likely the teacher will have advice and preferences for the best way to drop off in the morning. If your child has a tough time saying goodbye talk to your child’s teacher to make a plan for the goodbye ‘hand-off’ and stick to the plan. The same goes for picking up in the afternoon.

*Teacher Insight: Teachers often feel there is an uncomfortable dynamic between parent and teacher, and who is in charge during morning and afternoon transitions. This tension can be eliminated by limiting transition time and deferring authority to the teacher. This also signals to your child that it is the teacher who is in charge of their care during the day. Trust and respect is established between all three parties (parent, child, teacher) when this is done. If you feel you need more time with your child to say goodbye or get them comfortable, communicate directly with the teacher and ask where you will be the least disruptive. Remember, the teacher has to transition each child and 20 long goodbyes can prevent the rest of the children from morning activities.

-Know the daily schedule and be on time.

        This directly ties into the above point, but is important enough to stand on it’s own. If you have a toddler or preschooler you know that routines are foundational to their security and happiness. If it’s important to be on time to elementary school, why is it not important for your child to be on time to preschool? Many preschools, especially Montessori schools, have a daily routine that helps the children transition happily through the day. If your child is constantly missing the morning announcements and routines they may be missing something that helps them settle into the day. Your late arrival may also interrupt the teacher’s lessons and the concentration of already working children.

*Teacher Insight: I have had parents tell me their schedule does not work with the school schedule and that they can not change it. Montessori teachers feel disrespected when we know parents will have to change their schedules when their children go to elementary school, but do not see it as important to do it for preschool. Preschool is real school.

-How does the teacher instruct children to handle conflict?

        Is there a greater time of conflict than preschool? Sometimes I feel all I do is mediate fights between children. More than likely you will hear your child talk about something that happened at school between them and another child. And more likely than not, in their version, it will be the other child’s fault. Therefore, it is important to know how the teacher instructs the children to handle conflict and apologies. Not all teachers have good philosophies on conflict and apologies. If they don’t, it is important for you to walk through ways to manage the problem. If the teacher does have a good method, be on the same page so that you can reinforce the problem solving technique.

*Teacher Insight: A common parent response to their child when they have a problem at school is “Tell your teacher…”. Of course your child should tell the teacher if they are seriously hurt or have a problem they really cannot solve on their own, but “go tell your teacher” is a catch all response that is teacher “torture”. Dozens of times a day for the smallest infractions children tell their teacher. Multiple that by a classroom of children and the teacher’s head is ready to explode. Instead, talk to your child about what they can do in the situation. This is better strategy because then you are connecting with them and helping them learn to solve their problems rather than having someone else fix it.

-Know how the teacher celebrates special occasions

        Birthdays and holidays can be a rite of passage for children, and many teachers have set up a special way that works within the parameters of the classroom to celebrate. Although parents may have an idea of how they would like to celebrate, respect the fact that you do not know the ups and downs of the classroom, and what would be best for each unique group of children. Therefore, ask the teacher how they would like to set up a celebration and what would work best for the class. And remember, you can completely control your celebration at home.

*Teacher Insight: Surprising a teacher without notification the day of with a cake or special treat puts them on the spot and can make them feel disrespected. All discussions regarding celebrations should be with the classroom teacher. Do not assume that the teacher will get the message if you speak with an administrator or assistant teacher.

-Nap time items, toys, and comfort objects

        It is important to know what items the teacher allows in the classroom. Your child could easily become upset if you tell them they can have something in the classroom but the teacher does not allow it. What is allowed can be individual to every teacher so it is important to check. It is also mature to ask the teacher when your child is not immediately present to hear the answer. The teacher may feel that you are trying to manipulate the answer if you ask in front of the child. It also sets the teacher up to be the “bad guy” if they say no. There is probably a valid reason why their answer is what it is.

Teacher Insight: Remember the classroom has to accommodate ALL the children and families. It is not possible to run a classroom based upon every family’s individual demand and preferences. Paying for your child’s attendance means you are paying for what is being provided, not for individual treatment. It is easy to get an entitled attitude when you want the best for your children, and you are worried about their care. But, remember, you get more with honey than with vinegar. Respectful and pleasant conversation is more likely to keep you in the know and get you what you and your child need.

-We love your children and want to have a good relationship with you!

I love to accommodate families as much as I can and I enjoy doing so when I have a good relationship with the parents. These tips are here to help parents know what is frustrating to teachers. Communication is the key to understanding how the classroom works and how you can be a part of the classroom community. Teachers want the classroom to be happy and comfortable for everyone!

Demanding Answers From Children

Demanding Answers From Children…..

It happens when we get angry with a child. We pose a lose-lose rhetorical question and demand they answer it.

“Why did you do that?!”

“Why aren’t you listening?!”

“You know the rules. Why did you hit your friend?!”

“Why did you have an accident?! Why didn’t you tell me you needed to go to the bathroom?!

When I take a step back and realize that children are being set up to be wrong no matter what, I can’t help but cringe. I have heard many teachers and parents ask rhetorical questions with the sole purpose of shaming and condemning children. I believe this is mostly done unconsciously and is a result of unexpressed feelings.

I first noticed this situation when I was having a perfectly good day, of course, and I heard another teacher chewing out a little boy. The situation was so unfair. The teacher obviously angry about something kept asking rhetorical question after rhetorical question. Each time the child meekly responded with “I don’t know”. There was really no way for him to answer, and at that point he was probably so upset that he really didn’t know.  

Now, I have read enough articles on social media to know that people would respond with outrage and disgust because a child was “horribly” treated, but guess what? I would say most people that have kids or work with kids are guilty of these lose-lose scenarios. And these situations occur 1) Because people are unconscious that they are doing it, 2) Parents and teachers are not processing their emotions enough, and 3) Parents/ teachers do not know what to say instead.

So let’s address these problems.

Some verbal suggestions for addressing children when angry are:

“I feel really frustrated/ angry/ sad/ disappoint that…….”

“I won’t let you…..”

“Next time my expectation is….”

“I see that you are having a hard time….”

It is okay to tell children your feelings! Somehow we all have been lead to believe that we shouldn’t tell children our feelings because it is too much for them. The reality of the situation is that children know when you are angry, sad, and disappointed. By verbalizing your feelings to them you are helping them process what they are experiencing from you. This not only helps them process the situation, which builds emotional intelligence, but also helps them learn to communicate their feelings. I am not promoting dumping your feelings or your problems on your kids. I am saying that emotions that are obviously being expressed should be explained.

For instance, you could say:

“I am really tired right now and I am not handling my frustration very well about you spilling the whole box of Cheerios on the floor”.

“I feel angry that you squeezed the whole tube of toothpaste out. That’s a waste and now we do not have toothpaste for the day. I will help you next time”.

“I feel impatient for you to be quiet when you are shouting because it hurts my ears and bothers me.”

“I know you didn’t mean to, but I feel angry when you sneeze in my face.”

Do not expect children to make you feel better. That is not their job. But clearly explaining your feelings honors your true experience, which can help you process the situation, and will hopefully decrease your likelihood of saying something overly harsh because your frustration is bubbling over. It will also communicate the problem in a way that helps your child understand the situation.

Lastly, explore your own needs so you understand the roots of your feelings. If you need more sleep, but can’t get more, what do you need to handle your tiredness? Five minutes to have a coffee? Let the kids watch a short show so that you can sit down? Eat a snack for energy? Do not make excuses. There are doable actions you can arrange to take care of your needs, and you will be better for everyone if you do so.

I am not here to criticize parents or other teachers. Taking care of children is demanding and they are Ph.D level experts on pushing our limits and testing our emotional resilience. So may we all hang in there together and help each other when we have a new understanding. We all are learning to be kinder.

Easiest way to respond to Reporting Behavior ...

-Ms. Maria, he said I'm not Batman!

-Ms. Maria, Jack said I'm not a good boy!

-Ms. Maria, Kayla ate two snacks.

-Ms. Maria, Brady beat me down the slide.

-Ms. Maria, I sneezed.

It never ends! Kids want to tell you everything and it makes sense because you are their reference to life. You are their reference to what is safe and not safe, what is right and what is wrong, what is good and what is bad, what is nice and what is mean. Everything! So they need you as a constant sounding board. But often we over-involve ourselves in the disputes and problems of children. In our over involvement we often fail to realize what children actually want from us: Our recognition and our "okay" of a situation.

I started to notice this during recess when kids would run up to me, tell me something, and then quickly run away. Many times they would be running away while I was in the middle of saying something. Then there were the kids that seemed to linger for a moment and it was clear that they wanted a response but not necessarily involvement. And out of that these three magic phrases were born:

"Did you want to tell me?"

"Thanks for letting me know."

"I'm watching!"

These phrases seem to acknowledge what the children were looking for. They just wanted to tell me something! That's all. Other times just knowing that I was watching and paying attention is all the security they needed to keep playing. Often I will see a child look at me from across the playground to see if I am watching and then happily continue once they receive eye contact.

A lot of reporting behavior is just checking in. Is this okay? Am I safe? Do you care about me? Is my perception of the world accurate? But we mistake this all the time and become fixers and judges. Listen. Are the kids telling you something, or asking a question? We tend to respond as if everything is a question or request, and then get unnecessarily involved.

I want to address unnecessary involvement. Somehow we have created a sense of pride around "teachable moments" where an all-knowing (and always fair ;) ) adult swoops into a situation and saves the day by teaching the children about fairness or sharing or friendship, etc. Children learn the best through concrete experience, not hearsay. The difference is abstract knowledge (what you are saying) compared to concrete knowledge (living and working through the problem). If you are interrupting their learning experience or conflict because you feel the need to teach them, you are robbing them of the actual learning and problem solving practice. Observe the situation, and then discuss it with them later if it seems beneficial. You get the best of both worlds.

Of course children frequently need our help and we should not abandon them in the name of noninterference. If children need more than a quick acknowledgement it will be immediately apparent. The point here is to start observing what children need, and if it is simply reporting behavior the above phrases work wonderfully to acknowledge the child in an easy, adult relieving, way.

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Please feel free to share! And let me know how any of this works for you.