Demanding Answers From Children…..

It happens when we get angry with a child. We pose a lose-lose rhetorical question and demand they answer it.

“Why did you do that?!”

“Why aren’t you listening?!”

“You know the rules. Why did you hit your friend?!”

“Why did you have an accident?! Why didn’t you tell me you needed to go to the bathroom?!

When I take a step back and realize that children are being set up to be wrong no matter what, I can’t help but cringe. I have heard many teachers and parents ask rhetorical questions with the sole purpose of shaming and condemning children. I believe this is mostly done unconsciously and is a result of unexpressed feelings.

I first noticed this situation when I was having a perfectly good day, of course, and I heard another teacher chewing out a little boy. The situation was so unfair. The teacher obviously angry about something kept asking rhetorical question after rhetorical question. Each time the child meekly responded with “I don’t know”. There was really no way for him to answer, and at that point he was probably so upset that he really didn’t know.  

Now, I have read enough articles on social media to know that people would respond with outrage and disgust because a child was “horribly” treated, but guess what? I would say most people that have kids or work with kids are guilty of these lose-lose scenarios. And these situations occur 1) Because people are unconscious that they are doing it, 2) Parents and teachers are not processing their emotions enough, and 3) Parents/ teachers do not know what to say instead.

So let’s address these problems.

Some verbal suggestions for addressing children when angry are:

“I feel really frustrated/ angry/ sad/ disappoint that…….”

“I won’t let you…..”

“Next time my expectation is….”

“I see that you are having a hard time….”

It is okay to tell children your feelings! Somehow we all have been lead to believe that we shouldn’t tell children our feelings because it is too much for them. The reality of the situation is that children know when you are angry, sad, and disappointed. By verbalizing your feelings to them you are helping them process what they are experiencing from you. This not only helps them process the situation, which builds emotional intelligence, but also helps them learn to communicate their feelings. I am not promoting dumping your feelings or your problems on your kids. I am saying that emotions that are obviously being expressed should be explained.

For instance, you could say:

“I am really tired right now and I am not handling my frustration very well about you spilling the whole box of Cheerios on the floor”.

“I feel angry that you squeezed the whole tube of toothpaste out. That’s a waste and now we do not have toothpaste for the day. I will help you next time”.

“I feel impatient for you to be quiet when you are shouting because it hurts my ears and bothers me.”

“I know you didn’t mean to, but I feel angry when you sneeze in my face.”

Do not expect children to make you feel better. That is not their job. But clearly explaining your feelings honors your true experience, which can help you process the situation, and will hopefully decrease your likelihood of saying something overly harsh because your frustration is bubbling over. It will also communicate the problem in a way that helps your child understand the situation.

Lastly, explore your own needs so you understand the roots of your feelings. If you need more sleep, but can’t get more, what do you need to handle your tiredness? Five minutes to have a coffee? Let the kids watch a short show so that you can sit down? Eat a snack for energy? Do not make excuses. There are doable actions you can arrange to take care of your needs, and you will be better for everyone if you do so.

I am not here to criticize parents or other teachers. Taking care of children is demanding and they are Ph.D level experts on pushing our limits and testing our emotional resilience. So may we all hang in there together and help each other when we have a new understanding. We all are learning to be kinder.